…then you would not have been you.

It was the nature of things for the cloud to dissolve
and the lightning to crack.
The hummingbird was too fast for the whale
and the whale too deep for the hummingbird.
It’s not fair for a dipper to love a waterfall
even though a waterfall wants to fly with her.

If you had not run away from me,
I would not have blown my thermostat
careening like mad over Nacimiento-Fergusson
to see you, leaving.

And when I drove back over that road,
My hands held open, because
I loved the spring breeze
even though it was not mine to keep.

I’ve been hesitant to say anything to you for many reasons,
even though I really want to,
to say what should be said would take a hundred-and-fifty pages
or a lifetime. It seems easier
to let the tides of time say
the words for me.

When we saw each other down the highway
a few weeks ago, I wondered what you were thinking
or if you saw me. I was looking down
when something told me to look up
and into the rearview.
I wondered if you knew I was moving,
I wondered if you saw a demon or if you remembered,
I wondered if you knew how my friends in town
have treated me differently since you left me.
But I’m going to a new town anyway,
with older friends, who see both sides.
I wondered if you wondered.

If you had not run away from me,
maybe we could have said sorry
but then you would not have cut the rope,
even though I was just as close.

Although we can moralize each other, in the end
we felt unmatched and too much love to leave.
You wanted someone more lighthearted
who would play with you,
I wanted someone more determined
who would hike with me.
We were burdened and needed relief.
You saw me as a vortex, it’s true
but you were a vortex for me too.
Hardness and recklessness were our sins,
we were driving each other crazy,
but although we can moralize each other
in the end we felt unmatched
and too much love to leave.

I wish we had talked afterward,
but you pushed me away hard and fast
I didn’t know what to do.
Maybe you never really opened to me.
Or maybe you didn’t want to be open anymore.
I didn’t want to get back,
I just wanted to heal, hug, say sorry, goodbye, thanks
because I loved you and you loved me.
For all we shared, why did you run?
You ran because you needed to be yourself.
I wanted you to be different
and so did you. You ran because
you had to be yourself. If you hadn’t run
you would be someone else. If I hadn’t fought
I would be someone else. I fought because
I had to be myself.

I wish I could say what should be said,
but this is not the way. I just want you to know
where I am. You were so special to me,
and I hope you’re happier now.
I hope you find the space to be yourself.
I’m not coming to get you.
I’m happy for you.
I hope you’re doing okay.

I wish what should be said could be,
but it seems easier to let the tides of time
say the words. I just want you to know
I’m drinking from the headwaters
and dancing over the west
because of you.




Escondido, California
November 25, 2023